Thursday, March 6, 2008

Self-Injury A veiled addiction

Self-Injury - A veiled addiction     

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Self-Injury - A veiled addictionBy: Zathyn Priest

Agitation rises inside a mental pressure cooker until the panic hits a state of overload. Fear, grief, confusion, anxiety, and bewildered disorientation - it throws the mind and body into a state of unbalance, a state of lost control. Lost control is a red flag to dangerous or frightening repercussions, real or imagined. One is completely vulnerable unless the panic is brought back under control swiftly; enough to allow clear thought and react with a calm mind in the presence of threat.

How can the victim of such overwhelming feelings quickly and reliably regain a manageable baseline emotional level, a level in which the panic is subdued adequately for the mind to once again think clearly enough to save the body should it indeed need rescuing from danger? Causing physical injury to oneself, enough to cause tissue damage, very rapidly controls what was out of control. This is the basis for self-injury.

In many cases it is a primitive coping mechanism to avoid suicidal intent. How do I know this? Because I've been a 'cutter' for years. I certainly don't advocate self-injury and I do not encourage others to do it. I abhor the images freely available over the Internet glamorising self-injury. Believe me, there are many of those distasteful images out there. Self-injury is not glamorous, it is not fun, and it should not be splashed across the Internet as though it's the mental illness equivalent of a rock star.

Self-injury is highly addictive and equally as highly misunderstood. There are cases of people self-injuring as a show of self-hatred and there are cases of people doing it purely for attention. What I'm writing about is self-injury used to save the mind from itself. Used to calm and rationalise, to flick the switch of suicidal intent off long enough to regain restrain and save oneself.

Anyone who self-injures, and has been 'outed' as a self-injurer, will tell you they've heard the following remarks - 'You're crazy!', 'What a stupid thing to do!', 'You're only trying to get attention!', etcetera ad nauseam. Even some so-called medical professionals have the same dark ages mentality. However you will find most who self-injure go out of their way to cover up what they've done and try to explain it away. 'I broke a glass while doing the dishes', 'the cat had a tantrum', 'I jammed my fingers in the car door', or 'I burnt my hand on the oven', for example. They'll cover their injuries with a bandage and brush off any curious inquiry with a change of subject. This more or less proves the behaviour does not fall into the attention-seeking category.

So why and how does it work? I'll speak from my own personal experience. It works by altering the mood and draws focus off the emotional stress by providing physical pain instead. There is a theory it releases endorphins, the 'feel good' hormone, and as such the endorphins can lower serotonin, the 'not so feel good' hormone. Higher levels of serotonin cause depression and anxiety; precisely the reason anti-depressants are serotonin blockers. The mind is a weird and wonderful contraption. It will attempt to save the body in any way it can, even whilst it is in the centre of an emotional hurricane. It will revert to primitive methods when it's fully aware how rapidly it can gain results. Self-Injury is not a sign of insanity or psychosis; it is generally a clear sign of the victim trying to regain rationality. When we self-injure we know exactly what we are doing and why. We know it will work and we know we will get back to that baseline level.

Why not just have a good cry and get it out of your system? Why not have a rant and vent all the anger and get it over with? If you're furious with someone, tell them! If you're grieving, allow yourself to grieve beneficially! More questions and statements heard by those who have been outed.

Again I'll speak from personal experience. Not everyone has learnt how to convey emotions constructively. Some of us were raised in an environment where expressing our feelings, be them anger, fear, grief, confusion, was decisively discouraged and/or resulted in consequences, usually some form of punishment or debasement. Sometimes this negativity came from parents, sometimes peers, sometimes teachers, and sometimes by all of those people. Rather than risk punishment or humiliation, we learn to bottle our opinions and feelings inside of ourselves and don't dare uncork that bottle. If parents, or other close influences, were a poor role model in regards to handling stressful situations, how can a child learn the right way to cope when they become an adult? You cannot speak English if you were only taught Latin. Children are a reflection of their upbringing, a sponge absorbing all the information around them whether that information is good, bad, or indifferent. One sibling may grow up introverted and subject to developing something like self-injury, while the other may grow up to defend themselves arrogantly, forcefully, violently, or perhaps develop other addictions such as drugs or alcohol. Certain personalities reflect in unique ways and each character builds separately.

Self-Injury is very much a veiled addiction and it's one most self-injurers are ashamed over. I used to fall into that category of shame. I don't any longer. It angers me when I hear ignorant comments and I've learnt over the years how difficult this problem is to explain to another. For years I didn't seek help when I was told by a psychiatrist to just, 'Take a carving knife to myself, do the job properly, and get it over with'. Hence it was a long time before I trusted another psychiatrist to be more understanding and offer me practical diversion techniques. I used to self-injure on a regular basis, several times a month when I was younger. Now I'm able to control the urges far better than I used to and can put those diversion techniques into practice. Soothing music works for me quite effectively.

Once addicted it is tough to break the habit alone, just like any other addiction. Remember, self-injury alters the brain chemistry just like a drug will. Endorphins are called 'feel good' hormones for a very good reason. Self-injurers do not experience an elated high as a result of hurting themselves in the same way a cigarette doesn't provide an elated high for the smoker. Smokers tend to light up more when anxious simply for the sense of relaxation a cigarette can bring them. What a self-injurer gains from it is the sense of control, a lull in the eye of the hurricane, a chance to bring about the feeling of being able to protect ourselves with lucid thinking. Our pain or anxiety isn't cured, it doesn't go away, but we can manipulate it back into reason. We can rescue ourselves from it, if only briefly.

The main thing people need to understand is that self-injury is NOT a failed suicide attempt. It is quite the opposite in fact; it is a successful suicide distraction. If you, or anyone you know, self-injures then you need to seek help for yourself or for them. Learning to express emotions beneficially, retraining the brain to speak English not Latin, takes time, patience, and understanding. Overcoming self-injury is a tough road littered with obstacles along the way. It is difficult to not succumb to the temptation when you know how well it works in relieving unbearable stress.

To survive in the long run, self-injury is not the answer for it's merely a quick fix with no long-term benefit. Another thing I know from experience. Sooner or later the knowledge hits us...we're trying to regain power of emotions by way of lost power to an addiction. Sure, it is far easier to hurt ourselves physically than endure months or years of therapy to uncover the underlying cause of our pain and/or stress. It's far easier for a smoker to light up a cigarette than endure withdrawal. What are we - the self-injurers of the world - left with if we don't seek help? We're left with scars on our body that mirror only too perfectly the scars of our minds.

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